One of my early favorites:
Subject: Smallovian Pros: Sonja Shines, Hel Freezes
Date: Mon, 12 Oct 1998 16:34:39 EDT
From: AxelJump@aol.com
SMALLOVIAN PROS: SONJA SHINES, HEL FREEZES
The first annual Crystal Drano Smallovian Ladies' Professional Figure
Jumping Championships were held October 10 in Detroytska at the Smal-
lovian Ice Palace and Fish Disembowelment Plant. The limited bleacher
seating of 24 was expanded by a gracious loan by the fish plant of
several crates of eel for an additional 560; the crowd, and crated
eels, combined with the always-warm climate in the Ice Palace, made
for a cozy and aromatic spectator environment.
The first competitor was French skater Squishy Broccoli in her profes-
sional competition debut. Wearing one figure skate and one hockey
skate emblazoned with the word "RENTAL" and skating to a Sarah
Brightman remake of Heart's "Barracuda," Broccoli fell on each of four
triple jump attempts, but landed 13 one-foot backflips. Her artistic
marks of straight 6.0s prompted squeals of delight from Squishy until
she was reminded that scoring was on a ten-point system.
Next was an exhibition performance by Smallovian ice dancer Nausha,
who skated to "La Cucaracha" with new partner Otto (a blow-up doll).
N & O's performance went quite nicely until an unfortunate toe-pick-
induced puncture near the end, resulting in a dramatic and memorable
death scene.
The next competitor was new professional T'ara LaPipsqueak from the
flatlands of Brestovia. Sadly, the physical and emotional shock of a
rare fall on her opening 2 1/2 loop - 2 1/2 loop combination triggered
a recently-discovered medical syndrome known as "profound puberty."
During her program, she grew five inches and gained twenty pounds,
which caused her costume to split, her boots to bulge uncomfortably,
and her jumping ability to go south. Her music: the eerily prophetic
"Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon" from the "Pulp Fiction" soundtrack.
After a two-hour resurfacing break, the event resumed with the profes-
sional competition debut of Hel Frozenova, who skated to chapter 4 of
John Grisham's "The Client" from Audio Books-On-Tape.
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